Amortentia and Pumpkins

Human's have approximately 12,000-50,000 thoughts a day. I'm just trying to get as much of mine out as possible.

Month: June, 2013

Lifesavers

by amortentiaandpumpkins

Even though it sometimes seems

That I don’t really care

You don’t know how much I wish to redeem

The moments that we could share.

 

It feels like I am still just a child

In an adult world of responsibilities

Never able to be reckless or wild

But always to you a liability.

 

Sometimes I get this terrible feeling

That my well-being isn’t your primary concern

More so that your reputation will fly out the ceiling

And that is why with me you are so stern.

 

You’re scared of what people will say

About your silly little girl

Because at the end of the day

Your status is what’s important in this world.

 

One time you even called me a whore,

I can hardly let those words sink

Simply because of the short skirt I wore

You said “What will people think?”

 

I’m too afraid to ever open to you,

Too terrified of how you will judge,

Too anxious to ask to go someplace new,

Too scared that you will not budge.

 

That’s why I act out the way I do,

That’s where all those cigarettes came from,

The reason I sometimes snap back at you,

The reason why in my head I drop the F-bomb.

 

I feel like I lead two separate lives

That are polar opposites of one another,

One where I am myself, where I feel alive,

Then the one where I follow the ideals of my mother.

 

You gave me the breath of life,

But are you really my life-savers?

Because when I’m on the edge of the knife,

I can never count on you as my saviours.

 

I wish to death we could be closer,

And at home there was freedom of speech,

I wish to have the courage to say “No sir,”

And for my own choir I start to preach.

 

But it seems like no matter how much

I try to follow your path, your ways,

I won’t always succeed as such

But know that I will love you always.

 

Advertisements

Heartless

by amortentiaandpumpkins

Today, I had some new furniture come into my place, and had to get rid of some old furniture. This meant moving things around, and also, since I live in Hong Kong where storage space is a luxury, it meant that I had to get rid of a lot of things to fit in other, newer items that I recently purchased. 

Towards the end of it all, I filled up a suitcase full of old clothes that my mum wanted to donate, as well as three large bin bags full of “crap.” This “crap” consisted of old teddies and other gifts that I has received over the years, jewelry and make-up that I don’t wear anymore, books that have been lying on my shelf inviting nothing but dust and old cards and letters from so many people over the years. I only kept a few at the end.

All these things had one thing in common. When sorting them out from everything I ended up keeping, I had to maintain one type of emotion, one state of being throughout the entire process: heartless. I had to leave my heart outside my bedroom in order to have even the slightest ounce of courage to start dumping clothes into the suitcase or books into the bags. You don’t realize how much you actually adored a piece of clothing until you have to part with it. Take for example this grey T-shirt with Aztec patterns that I formerly owned. I never thought much of it while I owned it. Just wore it if it caught my eye in my drawers. However, as I put it in the suitcase, the T-shirt’s life span under my possession flashed by my eyes. How I wore it on the first week of university. How I wore it when I attempted to dye my hair (leaving a few dye stains on the bottom of the back). How the cotton felt soft and comfortable against my skin. It’s when I was putting it in my suitcase when I realized it’s true sentimental value. 

But when throwing things out, you can’t let emotion cloud reason. Remember that episode in “How I Met Your Mother” when Ted makes Marshall and Lily throw out things that they had not used in over a year? You need to have that Ted mentality. Not let your emotions run wild. Just keep throwing shit into the bin bags.

I guess some good comes out of all of it though. Rather than throwing it in the dump yard, donating everything makes it all feel worthwhile. It’s going to people who not only want the things, but really need it. So you feel a little better in the whole process.

Selfish – A Poem

by amortentiaandpumpkins

A million dots of light illuminate the city,

Millions of lives behind the curtains.

But only on myself do I take any pity,

But only towards myself I feel uncertain.

As strangers walk past by where I sit,

I try my best to appear reserved.

Even though I feel as if my heart’s a pit,

I try to understand whether this I’ve deserved.

I try to remember his face exactly as it was,

The calming effect of his voice.

But all I really recall is the loss,

As he didn’t leave me with much choice.

So as I sit here on this bench,

That very bench he once sat on with me,

My eyes tear and my jaws clench,

Pondering on my pain’s degree.

An explanation is all I ask for,

Of why things occurred the way they did.

So that on this chapter I can close the door,

And not think about you, God forbid.

So just like those people behind the windows,

I can only hope that my life goes on.

And just like both my friends and my foes,

I can be carefree if on you I stumble upon.

Closure

by amortentiaandpumpkins

My first experience of closure was actually through a film. “Love Actually” to be precise. Remember that scene where the guy from The Walking Dead goes up to Keira Knightley’s door and holds up those cards, on which he had written about his undying love her? And then he walks away and she comes running after him and gives him a kiss and leaves, after which he utters the word “Enough”? That was when I realized what closure was.

Let me first of all tell you what closure (in my opinion) is not. It is not getting over someone. Closure is, however, the acceptance that you will never be with someone the way you want to be with them. It is knowing, deep down, that there will never be a time where you and that other person will be together, because that’s not what the universe, or destiny, or God (or really, whatever your belief in the determinant of occurrences) is leading you towards. Because if one thing is for sure, I don’t believe that the guy from Love Actually/Walking Dead was over her after the kiss, or ever got over her ever for that matter. He simply accepted the fact that they will never be more than what they are currently: just two friends. 

The ways in which you can obtain closure is vast. For starters, simply communicating with the other person, in any way. It could be in the form of cue cards, like Love Actually guy. It could be a song. It could just be a normal conversation. Then there are things like signs. Signs that are telling you that even though the person you are into is wonderful, you just are not a right fit. It could be something as trivial as the fact that you do not have the same taste in music. It could go a little deeper I suppose. 

I believe the difficulty lies in actually obtaining that closure. Because there is a difference between need and want. You know that you need to obtain that closure, because it will help you calm the fuck down, you will make time for other things in life because you will not be thinking as constantly about the other person as before. It will give you the opportunity to move on a little in life. But do you want to accept the fact that there will never be an opportunity to be with that person, no matter how much you want it? Of course not! It’s too damn difficult, when there is something as powerful as hope blocking all rational thought, Hope really makes you lovesick. You keep sticking to that little bit of hope, thinking that maybe, just maybe there is an insy-winsy teeny-tiny itsy-bitsy little tiny bit of a chance that you may wind up together and live happily ever after. 

I guess hope makes you better off in a way. It fools your heart, by satisfying yourself with the thought that anything can happen, you never know what surprises lay in store for you. But not all surprises are good.

Back to closure. I guess it’s a powerful thing too in itself. As in, once you get it, once you’ve accepted everything that is to be accepted, there really is no going back.